September 9th, 2004

I’ll Never Say Never Again

I am still a relatively young man. There is much in life I have yet to see and experience. But in my 24 years, I would say I’ve learned a handful of things that are bullet-proof, rock-solid, galvanized truths.

Such as this: If you ever let the sentence “Oh, I never get sick.” come out of your mouth, within two days, you will get sick. Doesn’t matter who you are, or where or when you say it.

I’ve known this fact for a long time, but the problem is, when it’s been like three years since you’ve had so much as a sore throat, you start to forget things like this.

So two days ago I actually uttered this sentence in front of two friends. I realized what I’d said almost immediately…and then (this is the best part) instead of scrambling to take it back, or at least making an appropriately regretful facial expression, I flippantly dismissed the notion that I was going to come down with anything. “Not gonna happen,” I just kept thinking “I can’t remember the last time I was sick. I’m friggin’ invincible. My immune system is the Terminator robot. No germ can touch me! Ha ha ha!….”

Now here I am…. I didn’t even know it was possible to get a cold in the summer. If anyone is wondering what it’s like to run a fever while it’s 90 degrees outside, let me tell you: It sucks. Big time.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go take my Nyquil and lay down.

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September 2nd, 2004

My New iProb

iReceived an mp3 player as a gift last Christmas. i’M not going to say what kind it is, because it has come to my attention that iMay have jumped on to some sort of bandwagon, which iReally hate to do. You’ll just have to take a guess as to what iProduct i’M iTalking iBout.

The first few months that I had it were great. I was showing it to everyone: “Look how many songs I have on here! You can keep phone numbers on this thing! And there’s games!” Some people at least feigned interest. Others had a different reaction. (“Who are you? I’ve never seen you before in my life. Stop following me.”)

Last month, however, I started having trouble with it. I went to the tech support site for the company that makes it. A company which, like the product, shall remain nameless. (I hate to come right out and slam them, since a lot of other people already do. I definitely consider them better than the alternative.) The support site featured several multiple-page articles about how to properly plug this thing in.

Um, right…I can’t so much as look at it without getting a pulsating-folder/exclamation-point icon of death, like it’s about to become possessed and start shaking and shooting blinding beams of light in all directions while I run away and cower in the corner.

I know the locking up and the flashing of scary icons means I have problems far beyond connecting a cable in improperly; I’ve been using this company’s computers for a while.

Phone support has not been very helpful either. Their solution to everything is “well, have you restored it?” (For those of you still living in the past, listening to CDs or phonographs or whatever, I’ll explain. You restore it by hooking it up to your computer and running this utility that erases the entire thing and returns it to its out-of-box, factory settings.) This is good advice, except at this point my computer (along with any other computer I try it on) can’t even recognize it.

So this is how a typical phone conversation goes:

Them: “So what seems to be the problem?”

Me: “Well my (name of product) locks up every time I turn it on. It’s just giving me this folder icon and no computer I try to use it with can recognize it.”

Them: “Ok, have you read all the articles on our troubleshooting website? If you just go to ww….”

(Are you kidding? I am not going to sit at my computer and read six separate articles on what it means when the battery symbol is flashing.)

Me (lying): “Yes. I’ve read them all.”

Them: “…ok. Fine. Well then. Have you tried restoring it?”

Me: “Well I can’t get a computer to recognize it. That’s…why I called you….”

Them: “Ok, so the problem is that the computer won’t recognize it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Them: “…Ok… Have you’ve tried restoring it?”

There is a problem with this thing. I wish they’d just admit it. It’s still under warranty, but the only options they give you are to pay to have it shipped to them and a replacement shipped back to you (which I’ve already done once) or to pay to add more coverage to the warranty. If I want to keep this thing — which, for some reason, I do — they’re going to get more of my money no matter what.

iPissed.

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