March 9th, 2005
Power of Bride
Ok, men, gather ’round, and listen to my tale. I have braved an unknown most of you have only heard lore about. I have stared into the color-coordinated, calligraphic abyss and lived to tell. Yes, I have seen the inside of a bridal magazine. And I have made a perilous journey back to let you know: it’s nothing but ads.
I think Steph has bought quite a few wedding-related magazines now. I say “I think” because I’ve never actually seen her buy one. We’ll be out somewhere, and I can tell one of these publications has caught her eye, so I’ll suggest we buy it. She always shakes her head in a most practical manner, “I don’t really need it.”
Then, days later, that exact issue mysteriously appears on her bedroom floor.
I’m not complaining here. This is the one time in her life when attaining wedding/bridal books/magazines actually makes sense. As far as I’m concerned, she has a guilt-free pass to buy anything with pages and the words “bride, bridal, wedding, dress, elegant, flowers, martha, stewart, etc.” on the cover. I just thought you might like to know that, now, on an average day, I am confronted by bridal magazines many, many times.
Last month I was digging through a laundry basket in Steph’s apartment, looking for a light bulbs. (I guess that’s a pretty strange place for the light bulbs to be, but it’s where she was keeping them. “Where are your light bulbs?” “In the bottom of that laundry basket full of clothes.” “Oh ok.” This is our life.) And I found a wedding magazine buried at the bottom.
I think she was hiding it, the same way an adolescent boy hides pornography, should he be lucky enough to get his hands on some. I detected a little embarrassment when I picked it up and asked, “Do you want to explain this magazine?”
I’m not sure why she was hiding it…. Maybe because girls actually know the wedding-magazine-fetish is just a bit silly?
After all, it doesn’t seem to matter if there is a wedding on the horizon or not. Or even if they’re dating anyone. Girls are fascinated and compelled by wedding magazines. They want to look at them. And doggy-ear pages. And circle things.
What’s that? “Not my girlfriend. I’ve never seen her so much as glance at one. She could care less.” It’s an impressive show of restraint, I’ll give her that. But she’s just one step away. Propose to her, and the floodgates will open. You’ll be swimming in a sea of glossy photos of gazebos and place cards and dresses before you know it.
Girls, am I being sexist? I don’t mean to be. Let me just balance it out by saying that guys have just as much stuff that’s irrational and stupid and pointless, yet we can’t resist doing. Probably more. This is a funny trait that all human beings possess. It’s just that wedding magazines have become a strange, new presence in my life, that’s the only reason I’m picking on girls today.
That, and the fact that your brains are so much smaller than ours.
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