May 10th, 2005
It Snot Like I Can Help It
Today I’m writing with wads of tissue shoved up both nostrils.
“Yeah, I noticed. What’s that about?”
Um. I’ve got this bloody nose. ’Cause I got into a bar fight this morning. The guy was like three times my size. You should have seen it.
“Wow. You’re pretty tough.”
Yeah.
“Wait, a tough guy who keeps a little diary on his website?”
Yeah. Um…I… Ok, ok. You got me. It’s my allergies. From late April to early June my nose does nothing but run. (Unless there’s some public event or function I’m attending — anything where it is important that I make a good impression and not disgust people — then my nose gushes uncontrollably…and I quickly run out of Kleenex…and it’s all downhill from there.)
Everyone is always telling me I just need to try Claritin or Allegra or some other new allergy pill that the rest of the world just swears by, but I have yet to find anything that really works for me. I’ll admit that, occasionally, if I take several times the recommended dose, I get a little better. But when pollen really wants to make me it’s bitch, there’s nothing any drug out there can do about it.
The only medication that consistently works for me is Tavist-D. And I believe this is only because it’s difficult to feel the effects of allergies when you’re in a coma. If I took one right now, I’d be out until mid-August. At that point all the pollen would be gone, so, in a way, I guess it does relieve allergies. Unfortunately I just can’t afford to go erasing months of my life right now.
“Come on, you really should try some of the fine new drugs on the market. They’ve just reduced the prices to $40 a box.”
All right, who are you exactly, and what are you doing on my website?
“Why I’m just a kindly, neighborhood medical professional. I appear whenever a physical ailment afflicts you. Especially when you can be helped by everyone’s best friend, medicine. Here I’ll give you a few free samples to start you off.”
I don’t know.
“Come on. You’re not a chicken are you? Just try it. Everybody’s doing it.”
Wait a minute, you’re from a pharmaceutical company, aren’t you?
“MUW-AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!”
(Sound of evil laughter disappearing into clouds of smoke.)
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