rwitch.com » Blog Archive

September 19th, 2006

Kaiser So-Say

People¹ are starting to talk about how infrequently I’ve been updating my blog. Once every two weeks hardly seems “up-to-the-minute,” does it? Well I apologize for this. I’ve just had such little time lately. There have been shows to go to (Smoking Popes, Tom Petty, and Doc Watson…all in the space of a month!), Witchger family bluegrass gigs to play (two this month!), and, of course, the final steps of wedding planning.

There is a rare and precious amusing anecdote embedded deep in each of the things I listed, I’m almost sure of it. And I’d like nothing more than to strap on my headlamp of observant-ness, take up my nine-pound hammer of selective memory, and head down the rickety, wooden elevator of mild exaggeration to excavate this stuff, believe me. I’d like to load it into the mining cars of stream-of-conciousness writing structure, frequent paragraph breaks, and corny extended metaphors and send it down the tracks of file exporting and uploading, keeping the fat, wealthy coal company owners (you) happy…. But I can’t do that. Not right now. On account of the lack of time.

This might sound like one of my standard here’s-an-excuse-for-why-I-haven’t-posted-anything-new-in-a-while rants, but it’s not. It’s a here’s
-why-someone-needs-to-provide-me-with-some-prefromatted-material
-to-publish-Kaiser-I’m-talking-to you rant.

Frequent readers may be vaguely familiar with “Kaiser.” He’s been mentioned in this blog many times before. He is one of Stephanie and I’s best friends and he is a great guy to hang out with. Sure he’s helpful and a he’s a good cook and — alright, I’ll admit it — he’s ruggedly handsome, but all this pales in comparison to the fact that he is unwaveringly blunt. He speaks his mind. Or, more accurately, he speaks your mind. That thing that you are thinking, but are too sheepish to say…. Kaiser will say it.

Kaiser is an important ingredient in my favorite mixed drink:

Start with two containers that will hold liquid.
Pour several ounces of an alcoholic beverage of some sort.
Add one Brian Kaiser and mention one specific breed of graphic designer that is particularly annoying.
Stir and serve.

I like to think of this as a “Kaiser Kocktail.”

It’s a good idea to have a laptop around when you’re whipping up a Kaiser Kocktail, too. Then you can say “Hey Brian, check out these posters,” as you pull up the site for some stupidly-named poster shop (that is most certainly run by an insufferable hipster or two) that does nothing but silkscreen a completely meaningless image (a horse wearing a cowboy hat on his hind legs pushing a lawnmower over an elf) in three colors and slap “Yo La Tengo” and a concert date in the space below. “Oh look, they were featured in Print’s Regional Design Annual this year.” Hehe. Now it’s time to sip bourbon out of an old thermos lid and listen to the gospel according to Kaiser….

Graphic designers who talk self-righteously about the work they’ve done for social causes is another great topic. “I mean, it’s as if they actually believe that each time they select a trendy font, a ham appears on the table of a needy family. Wouldn’t you agree, Kaiser? Hold that thought. Waitress, bring this man a bottle of scotch.”

My inside sources have told me that Kaiser is working on a list involving the most annoying aspects of graphic design. No doubt it will be hilarious! These sources also tell me that he is contemplating handing it over to me, so that you all may see it here first.

This is because Kaiser does not have a blog. I am constantly telling him (after several Kaiser Kocktails) that he needs a blog. To be honest, though, I hope he never starts one, because you can bet it would be a lot funnier than mine. Also he would probably update it more than once every two weeks.

–

¹ Steph