November 17th, 2006
Aparkolypse Now
Hell in a handbasket. It’s where we’re all going and there’s more evidence of it everyday.
This week, specifically, I’m talking about this new Lexus that parks itself. And we’re not even talking your normal, everyday, pull-straight-into-the-space kind of parking. We’re talking threading itself in between two distinct boundaries while aligning itself with the curb in a parallel fashion.
In the commercial they show a guy pull up to the space and hit this magic button. He lets go of the steering wheel and the car dutifully and precisely puts itself into the available space. And when it’s done it says, “There you go, Michael,” in a robotic voice.
Ok I made that last bit up so I could throw in a Knight Rider reference. But I’m serious about the main part of this. The parking part.
What does this say about us, as a culture? Yes, parallel parking is difficult. It takes concentration. It takes time and effort to master, and sometimes, when you have to do it under pressure, it can be tedious and even panic-inducing…. So what do we demand? A computer that does it for us.
This is the exact same attitude that brought us the drum machine.
And this is to say nothing of the fact that the whole self-maneuvering car idea seems pretty ridiculous. I have a hard time believing that, in all the different environments and circumstances where you’re required to parallel park, this car will work as advertised.
All you really need, those of you who were excited by prospect of this car, is a Smitty to ride shotgun with you. Then when you came across some insurmountable parking situation, you could switch places and let Smitty put your car where it needed to go.
Currently you’re probably wondering “Who is this ‘Smitty’?” and “Is he really that good at parking?” and “Should I keep reading this nonsense or go check the weather?” Well, to answer your first two questions…. In this day and age, we no longer gather ’round the hearth and invent “tall tales” as a form of entertainment (thanks again, technology), but were this tradition still in practice, I would most certainly spin you a yarn about Smitty and his amazing parking ability. As exaggeration and farfetchedness are key in a tall tale, I’d probably claim Smitty once road a blue whale to shore and parallel-parked it in a shoebox…though this scenario would definitely take me some time to set up.
In other words, yes, wherever you needed your car parked, he can do it. I used to work with the guy, and quite often we’d go to lunch in downtown Raleigh. He could spot a sufficient space on the street from blocks away, then swing up just ahead of it, and the next thing you knew you were standing outside, on the sidewalk. Smitty’s manual transmission Chevy Blazer (not the tiniest of vehicles, by the way) was perfectly-positioned in the space and you had no recollection of how it got there. I don’t even think, during the process, that he had to touch his foot to the brake pedal. It was all so seamless.
I guess what I’m really getting at here is: I’d like to put Smitty in a “John Henry”-style-parallel-parking-show-down with this new LS 460L.
You just name the time and place, Lexus.
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