April 4th, 2007
Mazal tov…ya’ll!
That’s right, today I am truly a man!….
Ok, maybe that’s taking it a little far, given the reality of the event I’m about to purvey…. But today I am truly a bluegrass musician! That’s pretty exciting too.
I have claimed to be a banjo player for years, meticulously mastering “breaks” (in styles both Scruggs and clawhammer) and learning songs with names like “Old Joe Clark” and “Cripple Creek.” But it wasn’t until a few days ago that I, after years of curiosity, got the chance to sample some of the infamous, homemade beverage that is permanently attached to southern folk music.
Yes, I’m talking ’bout “The ’Shine.”
“White Lightnin’.”
“Mountain’ Dew.”
I’m sure you’re just dying to know all about the circumstances and supplier. Yeah, it would be fun if I put those juicy little details online, wouldn’t it?…so I can get sued and fired and into all kinds of unimaginable trouble. You’d like that wouldn’t you? Well my better judgment is telling me to keep all this stuff anonymous. Nice try, internet.
I think I can safely reveal that a) it was given to me in an ordinary drinking-water bottle that had been opened, emptied, refilled with the precious liquid, and then had the lid screwed back on and b) I began consumption after receiving an: “A little goes a long way.” A succinct caveat, but, being the only caveat I think I have ever heard from this person, I knew the stuff was to be used with caution.
Well…. Well, after all this build up, I feel like I owe you some sort of crazy drinking story. And I wish I could give you one, but honestly all I did was take a grand total of three quick swallows from the plastic bottle. Quick, terrible, awful swallows.
I can take a hit or two of normal, store-bought liquor, be it vodka, tequila, or whiskey, right from the bottle, hardly cringing at all, and I can tell you this stuff was on another level. After each swig my tongue and throat felt like I had swallowed a shot of gasoline and a lit match (in that order). I then flooded my palette with Coca-Cola. I ceased any and all consumption less than a minute from when I’d started.
I did have a pleasant buzz for the next several hours, despite only consuming about 3 oz. of liquid, which is kind of cool. So while I may not have an anecdote about how I got stuck in my dorm’s elevator at 2:00 am and the cops had to come get us out and I was totally underage and I had to keep my cool or I would have been arrested, to offer up to you, I do have these widely-applicable words of advice:….
A little goes a long way.
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