June 5th, 2007

So You’re Thinking of Joining a Band…

That’s great! Playing music in a band can be one of the most fulfilling, rewarding ways to waste spend your time.

Being in a band is of course about playing your instrument, learning your parts, and showing up to gigs, but there’s another side to this crazy coin I bet you haven’t thought that much about. That side is: getting along with your bandmates. Did you know that, when it comes to bands, there are only 10 types of people in the world? Well it’s true!

To help you identify these types and their habits more quickly, I’ve put together this handy guide. Not to cast any rash generalizations here, but every single human being you will ever play in a band with, ever, for the rest of your life, will fit one these following profiles:

1. The Guy Who Had the Idea to Form a Band

The reason everyone is in the same room together. Writes or co-writes all songs. Schedules all practices, finds all gigs, makes the study cds, chord sheets, and set lists for everyone. Makes all final decisions regarding the band. Spends way too much of his free time thinking about the band. Has way too much of himself invested in it.

Listens to a lot of: Death Cab for Cutie, Fountains of Wayne, Sufjan Stevens, Ben Folds, Radiohead, Wilco, Weezer, Smashing Pumpkins, Spoon, Arcade Fire. Just to name a few.

Is most likely the: Rhythm guitarist and back-up singer.

Equivalent from The Beatles: John.

2. The Raw Talent

Fairly dependable and willing to work on other’s ideas. Can effortlessly play everyone else’s instruments better than they can. Only member that understands how to sing harmony properly. Cannot remember song lyrics to save his life. Has awful ideas for band names. Makes awful suggestions for cover songs.

Listens to a lot of: John Mayer, Snow Patrol, Coldplay, Maroon 5.

Is most likely the: Bass player, keyboard player, or drummer.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Paul.

3. The Guy Who Got Roped Into It

Learned his instrument as part of a church or school band. Never hangs out with other members of the band. Often has excuses why he can’t make it to practices. Maintains an indifference to the project that is often infuriating, but fills a crucial hole, sonically.

Listens to a lot of: Does not listen to music.

Is most likely the: Drummer, or player of a semi-unusual instrument like violin or saxophone.

Equivalent from The Beatles: George.

4. The Guy Who Had the Idea to Form a Band’s Friend

Mirrors The Guy Who Had the Idea to Form a Band’s enthusiasm for the band, but with no creative vision. Has little or no prior musical experience. Is always out of tune. Is probably just doing this because he thinks it will be a good way to meet chicks…though his puppy-like loyalty to The Guy Who Had the Idea to Form a Band is a little suspect.

Listens to a lot of: Whatever everyone else in the band listens to.

Is most likely the: Lead guitarist or bass player.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Ringo.

5. The Yoko Ono

Girlfriend of someone in the band, who always shows up with him to practices. Unfriendly and unlikable. Took piano lessons in grade school. If she’s going to be hanging around anyway, might as well have her do something.

Listens to a lot of: Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Enya.

Is most likely the: Back-up singer and keyboard or tambourine player.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Linda McCartney.

6. The Guitar Hero

Is just looking for a platform on which to play solos. Either muscled his way into the band or, in a moment of poor judgment, was asked to join the group when someone thought: “he’ll add something to our sound.” Suggests every practice start off with “some 12 bar blues,” during which he will started soloing immediately.

Listens to a lot of: Stevie Ray Vaughn, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Eddie Van Halen, Yngwie Malmsteen.

Is most likely the: Lead guitarist. Without question.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Whoever is responsible for the guitar work on “Dizzy Miss Lizzy.”

7. The Noodler

Similar to The Guitar Hero, in that he just plays series of notes, continuously, from the beginning to end, on every song. However, is not as accomplished on his instrument and, therefore, does so at a much lower volume.

Listens to a lot of: Jam bands.

Is most likely the: Harmonica player or percussionist.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Probably George.

8. The Guy with Musical ADD

Can’t stick to an instrument. Is constantly purchasing obscure musical instruments and learning a song-and-a-half on them.

Listens to a lot of: Leo Kottke, They Might Be Giants, Brave Combo, Morphine, The Dubliners, Neutral Milk Hotel.

Is most likely the: Accordian/Melodica/Banjo/Trombone/Washboard/Didgeridoo player.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Paul.

9. The Front Man

Difficult and self-absorbed. Level of talent is questionable. Tolerated solely because he a) will go along with whatever the rest of the band wants, creatively and b) will perform in front of a group of people at the drop of a hat. Is really just doing this because he thinks it will be a good way to meet chicks.

Listens to a lot of: Pearl Jam.

Is most likely the: Lead singer.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Meatloaf.

10. The Mad Scientist

Is far more concerned with what kinds of weird sounds he can get out of his rig than actually learning to play it. Has a vast array of effects pedals it takes him 45 minutes to set up. Is constantly disassembling his guitars and amps, sometimes in the middle of practice.

Listens to a lot of: Groups whose songs consist of 10 minutes of feedback and static.

Is most likely the: Guitarist. Not really lead or rhythm. Just sort of shows up, sets up his stuff, makes noise, and leaves.

Equivalent from The Beatles: Sitar-George.

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