October 5th, 2007

Seven Jokes/Gags I Am Officially Pronouncing Dead

1. Anything that references Al Gore’s claim that he invented the internet.

Interestingly, I remember hearing news analysts explain that Gore had never actually made this claim and that instead it was the misunderstanding and inflation of a comment he made, but that’s not even the point. The point is I am still encountering people who, with self-congratulation molded on their faces, are turning to this topic for zingers. And no one finds them the least bit clever or witty anymore. Trust me, all it accomplishes is giving your audience the impression that you have just emerged from a fallout shelter you’ve been hiding in since 1999.

Suggested alternative: Actually you can dust off that O.J. material. He’s in trouble again.

2. Spouting off dialogue originally spoken by Adam Sandler, Jim Carrey, or Mike Myers in any of their past work.

We should all be over these films by now.

Suggested alternative: Strangely, I’m still open to hearing anything from Tommy Boy.

3. Using an adjective to describe something, then negating that by saying “If by [that adjective], you mean [a different adjective].”

I admit I am guilty of using this little device occasionally, and, if it strikes me the right way, I will still chuckle when I hear it, but mark my words: this will soon be retired and take its place in the hallowed hall of dated expressions, right next to the emphatic, drawn-out “Not!” we once placed immediately after saying something we did not actually think was true.

Suggested alternative: Let’s bring back just being a belligerent smart ass. So rather than saying “That movie was great! And by great, I mean terrible.” You would say “Boy, that movie sure was great,” with a big smile, quickly letting it melt into a smirk and rolling you eyes…yeah, that’s the stuff.

4. Covering a rap song, even though you are a folk singer/rock band.

Remember when that country version of “Gin and Juice” that everyone thought was by Phish came out? I mean, they were nerdy white people, but they knew all the words! And it was so funny to hear the lyrics taken out of context! And we’d go see Jump Little Children and they’d do their rendition of “Parents Just Don’t Understand” as an encore and we’d laugh and laugh and laugh. Then there was the Vines cover of “Sorry Ms. Jackson” by Outkast. Outrageous! Then Nina Gordon covered “Straight Outta Compton” by NWA. Then we heard a rockabilly band called The Supersuckers covering “Hey Ya” by Outkast. All of those were pretty funny too. Then the Drive-By Truckers covered “Hey Ya” by Outkast. Then Ben Kweller covered “Ice, Ice Baby” which Vanilla Ice had done a rock cover of himself a few years earlier. Then the novelty started to wear off. Then Alanis Morissette covered “My Humps.” Then singer/songwriter Jonathan Coulton covered “Baby Got Back.” Then recently we saw Ben Folds doing “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” Ok. Enough already.

Suggested alternative: I’d like to see some ironic covers of Top 40 country. Or I think it would be extremely funny to see a band with a female singer covering the “D*ck in a Box” song from SNL.

5. “Midgets.”

Don’t expect me to laugh when you poke fun at “midgets.” I don’t think this is even their preferred designation anymore, is it? Lately I’ve noticed certain stand-ups that have entire sets focused on “midgets.” And they are being featured more prominently as oddities in comedies — from “Mini-Me” to Elf to the guy on Jackass. In both cases it seems it’s one of two things: a.) an attempt at irreverent wackiness (“Look at the ‘little person’ we threw into the mix! How crazy!”) or b.) an attempt at that tasteless, crossing-the-line style of humor. I’m not against a. or b., per se, but just mentioning/showing someone with a genetic disorder doesn’t accomplish either. Not funny.

Suggested alternative: If you’re looking for a good non-sequitur to use in a comical scene, I’ve got four words for you: chimp in a diaper.

6. Calling the internet the “interweb.”

Do you know where this came from? It was in a Simpsons episode that aired in 2002. Now, inexplicably, it’s everywhere. The problem is, while it was mildly amusing at the time — because we were still getting used to the internet and actually making those kinds of clumsy mistakes with the terms — these days, when you can say things like “intranet,” “webinar,” and “cewebrity” and be talking about seriously real things, this kind of jumbling of the language doesn’t sound that silly anymore.

Suggested alternative: This will probably get old at some point too, but I am currently enjoying the use of the definite article in front of web-related entities that don’t required it i.e. “The Google,” “The iTunes,” “The Flickr,” etc.

7. Dressing up for a costume party as any of the presidents, a pimp, or cross-dressed as a woman.

At minimum, 4,000 other dudes out there are currently planning to dress up as one of these things…for the same party you’re going to. If you run out of time and have to employ one of these options, at least don’t draw attention to yourself like you’re the first person ever to think of it.

Suggested alternative: For this, I defer to the masters.

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October 2nd, 2007

Why the Internet is Awesome (No. 1 in What Will Probably Become an Ongoing Series)

This is a video of the guy who played on the studio recording of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” demonstrating the shuffle he created on that song.

“One of the coolest drum beats ever. Also pretty complicated and hard to figure out just by listening.”

That’s what I think every time I hear that song, anyway. And, scarcely a month ago, my friend Seth (who also plays drums) and I were discussing how we needed to learn it. Then, lo and behold, I discover this video this week.

I mean, can you believe:

1. This demo video was even made in the first place?
2. Someone who owned a copy of it felt it necessary to encode it and post it online somewhere where everyone else could access it?
3. I would run across it in the “Related” section while perusing YouTube’s thousands of clips of drummers?

This is a true testament to the ultimately pointless greatness of the internet.

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