October 15th, 2007
Stamp of Disapproval
Being one of these “plugged-in,” on-the-go, web-savvy types, I don’t pay attention to the goings-on in the realm of snail mail. I’m far too busy with my important, cutting-edge technology.
Were it not for my lovely, antiquated wife, who has a thing for slow, obsolete forms of communication and their various elements, I wouldn’t even have had the idea to write this entry. But, having just witnessed her make an online stamp purchase, I feel compelled to ask: have you seen the current postage options at your disposal?
Of course you haven’t. Now that we have awesome capabilities like cellphones and IM and video-conferencing, that work completely seamlessly and just let you say whatever pops into your head without further consideration, why should we care about stamps? Judging by the suckfest I saw earlier this week, the US Postal Service isn’t losing any sleep over them.
Let’s go straight to the bottom of the barrel. Here are my candidates for six worst stamps currently available:
6. “USA First Class”
A piece of clip-art centered on a beige background? What a half-assed design. Not even. Quarter-assed. Eighth-assed maybe. It’s the USA’s First Class stamp. Get Michael Beirut on this.
5. “Wedding Hearts”
“For the couple who wants a government organization to assign them a stamp to use on the wedding invitations.”
4. “Mendez vs. Westminster School District”
I was not aware of this case prior to this blogging, but based on what Google has retrieved about it, it was clearly a very important decision in favor of civil rights. I, for one, would like to see this harrowing event lionized in a stamp that is non-ugly. Specifically something drawn post-1991 and not using the tacky typeface Lithos Pro.
3. “American Clock”/“Chippendale Chair”/“American Toleware”
Saying this subject matter is “boring” would be like saying the end of Requiem for a Dream was “a bummer.” I could not decide which common, lifeless object was the least interesting, so I’m declaring this a three way tie.
2. “Vintage Mahogany Speedboats”
Ok guys, way too specialized. Why not just “speedboats?” Or even just “vintage speedboats?” Is there really a huge demand for “vintage speedboats made exclusively from mahogany” in the postal world? I’d imagine two or three middle-aged men in the entire country felt strongly enough about these to stand in an endless line and get ahold of them. Not exactly a “crowd-pleaser.”
1. “Jury Duty”
Pure crap. The mere mention of this phrase will send any red-blooded American into groans of they-actually-expect-me-to-participate-in-the-
system?-wrenched agony. You’re going to commemorate that with a stamp? I can’t think of a single piece of mail I would attach this kind of psychological (and visual) drag to…. Other than maybe my student loan bills…. Or my credit card payments…. Or my income tax retur…. On second thought, I’ll take ten rolls.
So yeah. I totally just stuck it to the USPS! But, to be fair, I noticed there were a few surprisingly cool stamps to choose from. One can’t spend all one’s time being down on everything, so check back in a few days (or, putting it in terms those of you who still use stamps will understand: one changing of the moon) for part two of this series — my rundown of the six best stamps currently available!
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