January 17th, 2008
“John” from the Recent Apple Product Videos Quits His Job “At One of Our Apple Retail Stores” and Gets Into Organized Crime
“Hi there, I’m John, one of the guys from Vinnie’s gang, and tonight I’m here to collect on those gambling debts you owe us.
“As you may know, Vinnie has made paying your gambling debts easier than ever. All you had to do was put the money in an envelope and drop it by any of our many, easy-to-locate bookies, during normal business hours. It’s easy.
“The only other thing you had to remember was to drop off your money within the specified amount of time Vinnie gave you and with the proper amount of interest included. It seems you’ve failed to do that though, so now I’m going to use some intimidation.
With intimidation, I can get Vinnie the money he’s owed more easily than ever. Let’s take a look at some of intimidation’s innovative features.
“Before starting intimidation it’s a good idea to drink a few martinis in a seedy bar, as I’ve done tonight. Martinis will give you the edge you need to use intimidation to it’s fullest potential. In fact, drinking martinis and then using intimidation works great not only for collecting money, but also for hijacking, racketeering, even extortion.
“I’m going to use a specific piece of hardware for intimidation tonight, called “a crowbar.” A crowbar integrates seamlessly with intimidation, allowing me to break things like your ribs, arms, and ankles and send the message that if you don’t cough it up soon you’ll receive further bodily harm. Here, I’ll show you how.
“There. That sensation was your kneecap shattering into a hundred pieces. Vinnie has always insisted on using things like a crowbar. They really work. Now, as you’re down on the ground writhing in pain, I’ll be punching you in the nose. Punching you in the nose is a great thing to try out when you’re using intimidation. It’s a time when all these gold rings that working for Vinnie has allowed me to buy really come in handy. Punching you in the nose might break it, or it might just bleed a lot. Either way, it’s going to hurt. That’s what’s so great about punching you in the nose.
“As you can see, you’ve gotten a stunning amount of blood on the windbreaker I’m wearing. (The windbreaker is the preferred jacket for many rank-and-file members of organized crime syndicates.) Just for that, I’m going to kick you in the stomach a few times with these alligator shoes.
“Now I’m simply going to tell you I’ll be back to collect Vinnie’s money soon. Some mobsters out there give you very limited amounts of time to do this. We don’t. Vinnie is providing you with a stunning, easy-to-remember two-day window in which to find the dough.
“So that’s how I’m going to get Vinnie his money back, in a nutshell. Remember, you can always check that back alley behind the social club downtown for more information on any of Vinnie’s preferred methods for collecting money, or any of the other great services Vinnie has to offer. Thanks.”
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