November 13th, 2009

The Southern Driver’s Handbook of Rules & Regulations

1. Speed limits are posted on all streets and highways. All motorists’ driving speed should be either 25 miles-per-hour over or 30 miles-per-hour under this amount.

2. Driving with an object on your vehicle that might obstruct your vision, in any direction, is highly illegal, unless the vehicle is a four-wheel-drive pick-up, and the object in question is a gun rack, hunting dog cage, fishing rods stored upright on the truck’s grill, or a gigantic CB antenna. Who are we to take away your fun?

3. While approaching a “stop” sign, the motorist should observe the cross street. If oncoming vehicles do not seem to be in the immediate vicinity, the motorist may proceed through without stopping.

4. At a “yield” sign, motorists should come to a complete stop and stay there for several seconds, regardless of possible approaching cars.

5. In a traffic jam or crowded parking lot, a motorist must do the Christian thing and let one car that needs to get in line go in front of them. This means exactly one car. That’s the system. We all let one car in and everyone gets merged in in an efficient and orderly manner. Jesus himself would only let one car in. Even He wanted to get home at some point.

6. The official gesture for allowing a car in before you is making eye contact with the other motorist and then motioning towards the area in front you with a small wave. If you are piloting a vehicle that has been let in, you are obligated to remake eye contact with the driver holding up progress for you (do this as you are taking the spot, or once you have taken it, in your rearview mirror) and wave back to them. If circumstances prevent you from waving safely while operating your vehicle, a passenger may do it for you. If no one in your car has waved back to the car behind you within 15 seconds of assuming the position in front of them, they are well within their rights to ram into you.

7. When on a remote two-lane road, a motorist should acknowledge every passing motorist, as well each person sitting on their porch or standing in their yard — regardless of whether one actually knows them or not — with what we’ll call the “casual wave.” A “casual wave” is executed by lifting either the index finger, the index and middle finger, or all four fingers from a hand on the steering wheel, while nodding your head slightly.

8. When starting onto a remote two-lane road behind the wheel of farm equipment or a log truck, wait until you can pull in front of a group of at least two cars that just can’t bring themselves to use that oncoming lane to pass, even when it is obviously clear and they’ve got the dotted line and everything.

9. Use of turn signals, while not illegal, is highly discouraged.

10. Once a stoplight has turned green the motorist closest to the intersection should take some time to ponder the meaning of their existence before moving their foot off of the brake and placing it on the accelerator and where on earth are you off to in such a hurry, anyway?

11. Cyclists are allowed the same use of the road as motor vehicles. Drivers wishing to pass a cyclists should take care to give them a full 2–4″ of clearance as they go whizzing by.

12. When using one car to tow another car of equal or possibly greater size over a portion of interstate, simply connect the first car’s back tow hooks to the second car’s front tow hooks with a single length of chain you bought at a hardware store and hit the road. Should be fine.

13. Regardless of the effect it has on one’s ability to operate their car, talking on one’s cellphone while driving is permissible, as is applying make-up, reading the newspaper, eating biscuits & gravy, etc.

14. Use of the car’s horn to do anything other than say “hi” to a friend or neighbor is an intentional display of rudeness and is punishable by death.

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April 6th, 2009

Piantastic Voyage

Never mind that I have no idea how to play the piano, beyond banging out chords on it, this weekend we took one off of Craigslist and added it to our household. I feel it really classes up the joint:

Also, I like that I look like I know what I’m doing in this photo.

Anyway, this brings the list of large miscellaneous items I have hauled home in the truck to a perfectly manageable four (1-used christmas trees, 2-discarded secretary desk, 3-slightly damaged solar panels, 4-Baldwin spinet piano).

And we were worried about me getting what is basically junk storage on wheels!

I, for one, am impressed with my restraint.

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January 14th, 2009

Pickin’ and Grinnin’

That’s right, readers. Thanks to Craigslist, and Kevin’s shamanistic abilities to find great deals on Craigslist, I am now the proud owner of a pick-up truck.

A blue-ish green ’97 Chevy S-10, specifically, with 115,000 miles on it. (My dad has always maintained that Witchgers are incapable of buying cars with under 100,000 miles on them. It seems this is true.)

This one’s a 2-wheel-drive, which is funny because I always saw myself getting a 4-wheel-drive (i.e. a “real”) truck because, well, if you can’t tow a birthing cow out of a mudhole on the side of a mountain…why have a truck? Recently I’ve realized though, that that I am not in proximity to any birthing cows, mudholes, or mountainsides. My family has a 2-wheel-drive truck that I’ve borrowed many times, and it turns out that, for loading up a card table at a friend’s house two blocks away to deliver to a baby shower, running on 2-wheels is just fine…. Also, I enjoy getting optimal gas mileage.

It’s an automatic too. A travesty I was willing to overlook for the low asking price and because “non-standard” Steph will now be able to drive our second vehicle.

Those were my only hang-ups. Despite them, I am elated about owning a truck. Kate stated a fact to me over gchat today that I already knew full-well, yet still made me stop and think about how lucky I was:

“now you can pick up shit off hte street”

If someone will just make me a needlepoint seat cover, displaying this bit of conventional wisdom (verbatim, please), I promise you that Teal-y and I will be present at every one of your moving days for the duration.

I’m now taking his keys off my ring, so I suppose I should mention the Chevy “The Only Car I’ve Ever Owned” Nova. I don’t know what the Nova’s fate will be. On one hand, it seems ridiculous for two people to own three cars and this one is old and needs some advanced engine work. On the other, it still runs, I doubt if I’d get enough for it to make it worth the trouble of selling, and, for 10 years now, it’s been “The Only Car I’ve Ever Owned.”

He’s pushed to the back of the driveway now and I can cleary see him eyeing me through the study window as we speak.

Let us discuss this another time.

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